- do not install the offensive files rotated 13 chars, as suggested by deraadt.
it hardly makes sense, and only one of the "potentially offensive" files
was being treated this way anyway
- simplify the makefile to catch up with all this
- update NOTES to catch up with all this
- the notes in README pertaining to not installing the offensive files is no
longer relevant, so remove it, as suggested by millert
-# $OpenBSD: Notes,v 1.5 2018/09/15 09:44:19 bentley Exp $
+# $OpenBSD: Notes,v 1.6 2024/08/26 20:10:53 jmc Exp $
# $NetBSD: Notes,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:26 cgd Exp $
# @(#)Notes 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
-non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard
-fortune database, and "fort-o" is the standard offensive database. The
+non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fortune" is the standard
+fortune database, and "fortune-o" is the standard offensive database. The
fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
on the command line.
- Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
-clear text on the system. They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
-To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
-and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune
-program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
-databases.
+ Potentially offensive fortune files are maintained in
+clear text on the system. If this is a concern, they can be rotated
+13 positions: to create a new, rotated database, use a utility such
+as rot13(6) or tr(1) to rotate it, and then create its data file
+with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune program automatically
+decrypts the text when it prints entries from such databases.
Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
MUST be in the potentially offensive database. Fortunes containing any
-# $OpenBSD: README,v 1.3 2002/04/02 02:06:25 pjanzen Exp $
+# $OpenBSD: README,v 1.4 2024/08/26 20:10:53 jmc Exp $
# $NetBSD: README,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:29 cgd Exp $
# @(#)README 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-The potentially offensive fortunes ARE installed by default. To avoid
-installing them, whack the Makefile in the subdirectory datfiles, and
-do "make all install".
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an
adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and
which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the
-# $OpenBSD: Makefile,v 1.8 2024/08/23 03:25:32 deraadt Exp $
+# $OpenBSD: Makefile,v 1.9 2024/08/26 20:10:53 jmc Exp $
# $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.15 1996/02/29 00:21:16 jtc Exp $
# @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
-SRCS= fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy recipes
-BLDS= fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \
- fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat recipes.dat
-
-SRCS+= fortunes2-o limerick
-BLDS+= fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat
-TYPE= real
+SRCS= fortunes fortunes-o fortunes2 fortunes2-o limerick recipes startrek zippy
+BLDS= fortunes.dat fortunes-o.dat fortunes2.dat fortunes2-o.dat \
+ limerick.dat recipes.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat
CLEANFILES+=${BLDS}
${INSTALL} ${INSTALL_COPY} -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 ${BLDS} \
${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune
-fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat recipes.dat:
+fortunes.dat fortunes-o.dat fortunes2.dat fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat recipes.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat:
${STRFILE} -s ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET}
-fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o
- ${STRFILE} -sx fortunes-o ${.TARGET}
-
-fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE}
- tr [a-zA-Z] [n-za-mN-ZA-M] < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-
.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+71:
+ 69 with two fingers up your ass.
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+ Saw a man come along
+ And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+ But another, more sane,
+ Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
+to the top.
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+ -- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
+the first time.
+ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
+learned to walk.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A hard man is good to find.
+%
+A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+ And the cube of its weight
+ Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call.
+%
+"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
+good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
+scruples and the police."
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
+wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
+called a liberal.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+ A curious mole
+ Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+ She let herself go
+ For an hour or so
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
+having fun.
+%
+A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
+up with yesterday.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+ They make love the whole day
+ In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+ While this worthy had fits
+ The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+ Said, "Heavens above!
+ I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+ When she clamored for more
+ Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
+"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
+drawers."
+ -- Blind Lemon Pledge
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+ Said the doctor, a cynic,
+ "Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+A.I. hackers do it with robots.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science."
+ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Achilles' Biological Findings:
+ (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
+ looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
+ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+ -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
+ rooster.
+%
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
+ cuts.
+Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
+place to shift.
+%
+All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
+ -- R. Crumb
+%
+All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
+ All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
+Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
+ He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
+All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
+ All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
+Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
+ Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
+All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
+ Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
+ -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
+%
+America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
+wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
+ -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+ Display for selection
+ Three kinds of erection --
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An Army travels on her stomach.
+%
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
+eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
+person who will sit on its face is its mother.
+%
+"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+ And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+ They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+ And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
+%
+Anxiety, n.:
+ The first time you can't do it a second time.
+
+Panic, n.:
+ The second time you can't do it the first time.
+%
+"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
+ -- Claude Shouse
+
+"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
+ -- Joseph C. Wang
+%
+"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
+released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
+enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
+popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
+blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
+back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
+slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
+"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
+appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
+spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
+honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
+hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
+%
+Baltimore, n.:
+ Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
+collars.
+%
+Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
+%
+"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+ (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+ (2) Advising the President.
+ (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
+Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
+Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
+Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Behold the unborn fetus and
+ Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+ An enemy civilian).
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
+gin.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
+For her life held no terrors.
+A virgin born, a virgin died:
+No hits, no runs, no errors.
+%
+Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
+evil.
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
+%
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
+Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
+the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
+nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
+Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
+the country was hopelessly trapped.
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
+be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
+benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
+is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
+him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
+of knuckles.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
+
+"Uh, not right now."
+
+"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
+ -- "Real Genius"
+%
+Captain Hook died of jock itch.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy.
+Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+ -- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chaste makes waste.
+%
+Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
+Jack Frost ripping up your nose
+Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
+And folks dressed up like buffaloes
+Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
+Helps to make the season right
+Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
+Will find it hard to see tonight
+They know that Santa's on his way
+He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
+And every mother's child is sure to spy
+To see if reindeer really scream when they die
+And so I'm offering this simple phrase
+To kids from one to ninety two
+Although it's been said many times, many ways
+Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
+%
+Christian, n.:
+ One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
+book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
+follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
+with a life of sin.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Clarke's Third Law:
+ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
+magic.
+
+G's Third Law:
+ In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+
+H's Dictum:
+ There is no magic ...
+%
+Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
+fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
+contrary.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
+
+Oh, give me a clone
+Of my own flesh and bone
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+And when she is grown,
+My very own clone,
+ We'll be of the opposite sex.
+
+Chorus:
+ Clone, clone of my own,
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+ And when we're alone,
+ Since her mind is my own,
+ She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
+ -- Randall Garrett
+%
+Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
+%
+Coito ergo sum
+%
+College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
+later you wish you'd never come.
+%
+Communists do it without class.
+%
+Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
+%
+Conservative, n.:
+ One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+ -- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
+%
+Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
+%
+Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____\b\b\b\bTHEN you
+pillage!!
+%
+Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
+This visage meek and humble,
+And hear this confidential plea
+Voiced in reverent mumble:
+ Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
+ But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
+ -- Ansel Adams
+%
+"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
+to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
+himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
+politically. But the designations may be good business for war
+veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
+bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
+ -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
+%
+Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
+Communist politician is through, he is through.
+%
+Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
+the people.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
+
+ ... Seats 500.
+%
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
+%
+Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
+%
+[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
+two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
+ confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
+ a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
+ of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
+ including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
+ cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
+ factory puts them there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
+ announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
+ piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
+ get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
+ state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
+ where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
+ fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
+ vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
+ impression.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Do something big -- fuck a giant
+%
+"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
+Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
+%
+"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
+ -- Bo Diddley
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+ -- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Draft beer, not people
+%
+Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+ -- C. Degen
+%
+Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
+ (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
+ sleep in the wet spot.
+ (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
+ themselves.
+ (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
+ married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
+ your brother!
+ (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
+ (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
+ wet.
+ (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
+ boy".
+ (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
+ (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
+ (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
+ pillow.
+ (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
+ (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
+ left it.
+%
+Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
+professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
+male schlemiel.
+ -- Ewald Nyquist
+%
+Evangelists do it with Him watching.
+%
+"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous ..."
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
+women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
+handbags are full.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
+licentious, dirty bum!!
+%
+Floppy now, hard later.
+%
+For those of you who have been looking for evidence that a working
+version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
+offered by Caspar Weinberger:
+
+ "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
+ working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
+
+ -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
+%
+Fornication, n.:
+ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
+
+Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
+ and you didn't scream?
+A: No ma'am.
+Q: Does that mean you consented?
+A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
+%
+George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
+he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
+punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
+%
+Getting an education at the University of California is like having
+$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
+%
+"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+ "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
+pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
+merriment.
+ "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
+%
+God is an atheist.
+%
+GOD is applied POWER
+ which is applied GOVERNMENT
+ which is applied POLITICS
+ which is applied ADVERTISING
+ which is applied SOCIOLOGY
+ which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
+ which is applied BIOLOGY
+ which is applied CHEMISTRY
+ which is applied PHYSICS
+ which is applied MATH
+ which is applied PHILOSOPHY
+ which is applied BULLSHIT
+%
+"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
+I knew that Santa would never lie.
+%
+"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
+%
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
+%
+God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
+%
+God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
+%
+God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
+where to go.
+ "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
+ "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
+ "Well, how about Mercury?"
+ "No, it's too hot there."
+ "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
+ "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
+there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
+still talking about it."
+%
+Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
+%
+Grain grows best in shit.
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
+%
+Great Lover, n.:
+ A man who can breathe through his ears.
+%
+Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
+%
+Hackers do it with bugs.
+%
+Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
+%
+Hackers know all the right MOVs.
+%
+Haggis, n.:
+ Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
+considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
+consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
+other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
+in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
+%
+Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
+to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
+difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
+former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
+facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
+historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
+ankles in bullshit.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
+for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
+attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
+as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
+Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
+finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
+ -- R. E. Masters
+%
+"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+ Her husband said, "Vi,
+ When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
+_\bH_\bA_\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
+qualified for!
+ -- Michael Cain
+%
+He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
+damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
+%
+He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
+hands.
+%
+"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
+ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
+stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
+him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
+He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
+this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
+Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
+processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
+longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
+
+ THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
+%
+Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
+in a yak.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
+%
+Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
+the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
+Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
+pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+ * Governmental offices
+ * Post offices
+ * Libraries
+ * Schools
+ * Banks
+ * Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e., none to speak of.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
+government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
+gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
+lucky to escape with our skins!"
+%
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
+ -- John Valby
+%
+Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
+%
+I am an atheist, thank God!
+%
+I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
+once was ... an arctic wilderness
+ -- Steve Martin
+%
+I came; I saw; I fucked up.
+%
+I have a funny daddy
+Who goes in and out with me
+And everything that baby does
+Daddy's sure to see,
+And everything that baby says,
+My daddy's sure to tell.
+You _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt have read my daddy's verse.
+I hope he fries in Hell.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+ Now I know the perfection
+ Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+"I own my own body, but I share."
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
+oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
+commerce.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
+that has ever happened, and vice versa.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
+had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
+dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
+from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
+Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
+with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
+them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
+an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
+of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
+to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
+What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
+Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
+the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
+of an Untenured Professor?
+ -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
+going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
+your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
+and father.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
+scares the shit out of me.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
+now.
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
+"I've just had a good war."
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
+watch him have another."
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
+bit surprised.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
+showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
+corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
+ -- S. J. Perelman
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
+James Watt's office.
+ -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
+%
+"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
+apostles."
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
+%
+If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
+%
+If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
+suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
+fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
+only two went back to women.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+ -- René de Visme Williamson
+%
+If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
+should join
+
+ THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
+
+The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
+don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
+addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
+following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
+
+ -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
+ UFOs come.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
+ -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
+ -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
+ the circle.
+ -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
+
+Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
+studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
+done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
+of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
+%
+If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
+%
+"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
+buzz-saw."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
+ -- Robert Burton
+%
+"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
+reality at any point."
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+ In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
+without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
+they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
+and it stinks."
+
+ And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
+the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
+container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
+before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
+the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
+and none may abide by its strength."
+
+ And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
+Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
+it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
+the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+ And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
+it was Good!
+%
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+ He chuckled with mirth,
+ For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
+Incest, n.:
+ Sibling revelry.
+%
+"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
+someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
+ -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
+%
+It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
+classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
+%
+"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
+god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
+Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
+lies."
+ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
+%
+"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+ -- Daniel Hinojosa
+%
+Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
+%
+John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
+apoplexy.
+ -- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+Kasha, n.:
+ Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
+one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
+groats"? *_\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
+help *___\b\b\byou* much.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Kill a commie for Christ!
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
+all will end as doves.
+%
+Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
+%
+LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
+
+So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
+%
+... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
+you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
+fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
+stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
+had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
+publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
+Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
+primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
+back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
+neck.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
+%
+Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
+hard you get fucked.
+%
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
+fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
+%
+Mathematicians do it in theory.
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
+%
+May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
+%
+Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
+nativity scene removed:
+ "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
+and a virgin in the whole organization."
+%
+Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
+ ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
+
+(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
+
+Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
+%
+Missionary Position:
+ The missionary on top.
+%
+"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
+boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
+%
+Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
+ Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
+stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
+%
+My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
+with his head stuck up his ass.
+%
+"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
+saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
+family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
+%
+ My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps them to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+ On a bad trip
+ When the cops come
+ When I lose my head
+ I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+ And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+%
+ NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
+short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+ -- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing is better than Sex.
+Masturbation is better than nothing.
+Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
+%
+Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
+%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+ Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+ As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+availability goes to zero.
+%
+Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
+%
+Occident, n.:
+ The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
+is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
+Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
+they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
+principal industries of the Orient.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ocean, n.:
+ A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
+man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+ They argued all night
+ Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
+fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
+the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
+After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
+earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
+little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
+warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
+began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
+chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
+he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
+
+There are three morals to this story:
+
+(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
+(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
+(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
+were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
+nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
+Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
+passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
+"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
+be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
+leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
+democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
+following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
+Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
+productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
+hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
+there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
+there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
+Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
+and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
+cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
+each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
+Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
+crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
+resources and our taxes."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
+occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
+ -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
+ Life in the Universe"
+%
+Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
+look at the other guy's.
+ -- Hal Hickman
+%
+Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
+the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
+help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
+basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
+but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
+near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
+with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
+still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
+to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
+probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
+considering whether there were men on base.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
+national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
+exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+ Overheard in a bar:
+Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
+%
+People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
+citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
+ -- Norman Cousins
+%
+Physicists do it with charm.
+%
+Politicians do it to everyone.
+%
+Posterity will ne'er survey
+A nobler grave than this;
+Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
+Stop, traveler, and piss.
+ -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
+%
+Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+%
+Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
+still come out ahead.
+%
+Q: How do you play religious roulette?
+A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
+ by lightning first.
+%
+Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
+ backyard?
+A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
+%
+Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
+ or an airline stewardess?
+A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
+ "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
+ right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
+ mouth and nose, and breathe normally."
+%
+Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
+ screwing began.
+%
+Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
+%
+Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
+A: As much as he wants.
+%
+Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
+ be?
+A: A fur coat.
+%
+Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
+A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
+A: A rebel without a clue.
+%
+Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
+A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
+%
+Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
+A: A cheese grater.
+%
+Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
+A: Two hours of begging.
+%
+Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
+A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
+%
+Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
+A: Ugly sheep.
+%
+Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
+A: So she can moan with the other!
+%
+"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Randel, n.:
+ A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
+for farting at a friend.
+ -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt, either.
+%
+Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
+sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
+changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
+grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
+liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
+do with the other.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
+country. The remainder is thrown out.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
+girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+ -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
+%
+Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
+any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
+%
+Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+ But a fullback from State
+ Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+ "Try as hard as I can,
+ I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+ Let _\bV be virginity
+ Approaching infinity;
+Let _\bP be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let _\bV over _\bP be inverted
+With the square root of _\bM_\bu inserted
+ _\bN times into _\bV ...
+ The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
+%
+Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
+needed.
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
+are unimportant.
+ -- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the poor man's opera.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
+you any other way."
+%
+She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
+candidates for president.
+ -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
+ Elizabeth Gould Davis
+%
+... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
+is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
+would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
+overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
+nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
+Through Swimsuits Issue.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Sooner or later, generals will own you.
+%
+Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
+%
+Statisticians probably do it.
+%
+Subpoena, n.:
+ From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
+organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+ -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+ the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
+ Association
+%
+Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
+you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
+forgets?
+%
+"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
+am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
+at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
+just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+ So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
+others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
+from the food it produces.
+%
+ The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
+claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
+his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+
+ "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
+not much good in a fight."
+%
+The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
+cactus has the pricks on the outside.
+%
+... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+ -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
+ The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+ I'm covered with sweat,
+ And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
+putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
+%
+THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
+Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
+jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
+know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
+it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
+because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
+warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
+your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
+Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
+Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
+by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
+Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
+Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
+We are talking about a lot of jobs.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
+%
+The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
+chance to prove it.
+%
+The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
+in front every time you want to kiss her.
+%
+The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
+currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
+old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
+are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
+directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
+ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
+could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
+the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
+over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
+recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
+are not.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
+dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
+and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
+%
+ The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+ Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+ Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+ But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+ -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
+"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
+curiosity."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
+their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
+the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
+its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
+enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The United States Army:
+194 years of proud service,
+unhampered by progress.
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
+almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
+have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
+down in silly puns about "standing erect".
+%
+The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
+%
+ Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+ -- Mason Williams
+%
+There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
+contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
+bomb a virgin building is terrific.
+ -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
+%
+There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
+have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
+America, with all of the military strength of America, those
+revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
+organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
+oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
+ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
+%
+"There is a God, but He drinks."
+ -- Blore
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+ Because in their haste
+ They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a feisty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+ He'd yip and he'd yap,
+ Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+ A virgin named Joan
+ From a bible belt home,
+Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen
+ So he built him some chicks
+ Of silicon chips
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+ Concave and convex
+ It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
+ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+ I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+ Till a prince from Peru
+ Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ It was not the size
+ That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+ Till a Spanish grandee,
+ Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+ That in spite of high station,
+ Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k".
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+ For even with Venus
+ His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+ h
+ i
+ s
+ .
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+ She said with a yell,
+ As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+ She said, "It's a sin,
+ But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+ From the love-making frock
+ (With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+ There was never a sound
+ For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan!
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+ But you knew from the view,
+ As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+ At least so I thought
+ Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+ The dress caught on fire
+ And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+ For it tickled her bum
+ And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+ She said to her beau
+ "Just look at me, Joe;
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+ But the banister broke
+ So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+ His wife was a bitch,
+ And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+ And he wouldn't have been
+ If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+ But the loyal hall porter
+ Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young whore from Kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
+ He fell on his cutlass,
+ Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There were the Scots
+Who kept the Sabbath
+And everything else they could lay their hands on.
+Then there were the Welsh
+Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
+Thirdly there were the Irish
+Who never knew what they wanted
+But were willing to fight for it anyway.
+Lastly there were the English
+Who considered themselves a self-made nation
+Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
+really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
+anything to me.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
+%
+There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
+and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
+ -- Billy Joel
+%
+There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
+ -- David Mairowitz
+%
+This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
+actual emergency, you would have known it!
+%
+This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
+%
+This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
+"di-dah" for the filthy words:
+
+ Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
+ di-dah di-dah di-dah?
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
+ Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
+%
+This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
+personal to various situations.
+
+You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
+in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
+egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
+Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
+bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
+
+YOU SHOULD:
+
+(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
+(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
+(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
+%
+"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
+name."
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
+Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
+And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
+
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
+The looks that melt, the claws that and through
+ catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
+Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
+The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
+Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
+ sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
+So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
+And paused to smoke some pot.
+ 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+ Did groove and trip out at the pad:
+ All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
+ And the Radcliffe undergrad.
+%
+ Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
+how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
+you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+ All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
+their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+ "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
+room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
+ "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
+opposite."
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
+%
+Vidi, vici, veni.
+(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
+%
+Virgin, n.:
+ An ugly third grader.
+%
+War is menstruation envy.
+%
+"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
+%
+"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
+hand."
+ -- James Watt
+%
+We have reason to believe that man first
+walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
+country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
+[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
+reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
+Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
+Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
+unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
+though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
+President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
+they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
+George talk.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
+my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
+you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
+%
+Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
+felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
+him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
+quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
+than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
+bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
+ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
+to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
+jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
+was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
+"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
+elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
+picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
+"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
+pissed."
+%
+What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
+%
+What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
+A Dan Quayle watch.
+%
+What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
+Ford?
+
+Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
+%
+ "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
+didn't believe in God."
+ "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+When God created man, She was only testing.
+%
+When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
+ -- Charles Merrill Smith
+%
+"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
+can't happen."
+ -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
+%
+When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
+rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
+%
+ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
+would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
+thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
+patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+ She explained, "They are flat,
+ But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
+horses?
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
+then she isn't good enough for you.
+%
+Women Unite! Make *___\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
+ -- Graffito in a women's restroom
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
+problem down the hall?
+%
+"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
+ -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
+wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
+(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
+age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
+introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
+handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
+such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
+only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
+as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
+uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
+no-no, you:
+
+(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
+ motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
+ joint.
+
+(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
+ to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
+
+(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
+ blow your nose on your sock.
+%
+You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
+your girlfriend gets the munchies!
+%
+You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
+ -- Frederick B. Artz
+%
+You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
+pick your friend's nose.
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+ -- Tricia Nixon
+%
+You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
+get back inside.
+ -- Heathcote Williams
+%
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
+and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
+there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
+
+(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
+ name.
+
+(b) Ask what position she played.
+
+(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
+%
+You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
+proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
+proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
+into your coffee. You:
+
+(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
+
+(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
+
+(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
+ basket.
+%
+"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
+to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
+ -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
+%
+ ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
+those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
+and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
+ Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+ But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
+++ /dev/null
-71:
- 69 with two fingers up your ass.
- -- George Carlin
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
- But another, more sane,
- Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
-to the top.
-%
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
- -- Thomas Ybarra
-%
-A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
-the first time.
- -- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
-learned to walk.
- -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
-%
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
- And the cube of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call.
-%
-"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
-good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
-scruples and the police."
- -- Mr. Dooley
-%
-A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
-wrong with a high sense of consistency.
- -- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
- -- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
-called a liberal.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
- She let herself go
- For an hour or so
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
-A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
-having fun.
-%
-A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
-up with yesterday.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They make love the whole day
- In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
- While this worthy had fits
- The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
- Said, "Heavens above!
- I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A widow who fancied a man some
-Was diddled three times in a hansome.
- When she clamored for more
- Her young man became sore
-And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-%
-"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
-drawers."
- -- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
-A.I. hackers do it with robots.
-%
-Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
-%
-"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
-Western science."
- -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
- (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
- looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
- -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
- rooster.
-%
-Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
- cuts.
-Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
-Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
-Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
-%
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
-place to shift.
-%
-All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
- -- R. Crumb
-%
-All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
- All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
-Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
- He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
-All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
- All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
-Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
- Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
-All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
- Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
- -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
-wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
- -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection --
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
-eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
-person who will sit on its face is its mother.
-%
-"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
-unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
-bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
-provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
- -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
-%
- And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
- They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
- And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
-... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
-and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
-%
-Anxiety, n.:
- The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-Panic, n.:
- The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
-"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
- -- Claude Shouse
-
-"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
- -- Joseph C. Wang
-%
-"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
-released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
-enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
-popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
-back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
-"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
-appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
-spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
-honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
-hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
-%
-Baltimore, n.:
- Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
-collars.
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
-Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
- (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- (2) Advising the President.
- (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Behold the unborn fetus and
- Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
- An enemy civilian).
-%
-Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
-gin.
- -- Ralph Nader
-%
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
-Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
-evil.
-%
-Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
-%
-Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
-%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
-Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
-the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
-nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
-Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
-the country was hopelessly trapped.
- -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
-be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
-benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
-is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
-him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-of knuckles.
- -- Harlan Ellison
-%
-"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
-
-"Uh, not right now."
-
-"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
- -- "Real Genius"
-%
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
-Champagne don't make me lazy.
-Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
-Ain't nobody's business but my own.
- -- Taj Mahal
-%
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
-Christian, n.:
- One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
-follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
-with a life of sin.
-%
-Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
-difficult and not tried.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-Clarke's Third Law:
- Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
-magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
- In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
- There is no magic ...
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
-fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
-contrary.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
- With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
- We'll be of the opposite sex.
-
-Chorus:
- Clone, clone of my own,
- With the Y chromosome changed to X.
- And when we're alone,
- Since her mind is my own,
- She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
- -- Randall Garrett
-%
-Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
-%
-Coito ergo sum
-%
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
-later you wish you'd never come.
-%
-Communists do it without class.
-%
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-%
-Conservative, n.:
- One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
- -- Leo C. Rosten
-%
-Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
-%
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____\b\b\b\bTHEN you
-pillage!!
-%
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
- Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
- But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
- -- Ansel Adams
-%
-"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
-to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
-himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
-politically. But the designations may be good business for war
-veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
-bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
- -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
-%
-Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
-Communist politician is through, he is through.
-%
-Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
-the people.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
-
- ... Seats 500.
-%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
-%
-Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
-%
-[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
-two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-
-(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
- confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
- a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
- of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
- including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
- cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
- factory puts them there.
-(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
- announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
- piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
- get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
- state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
- where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
- fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
- vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
- impression.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Do something big -- fuck a giant
-%
-"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
-"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
- -- Bo Diddley
-%
-Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
-you through times of no dope.
- -- Gilbert Shelton
-%
-Draft beer, not people
-%
-Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Eisenhower was very nice,
-Nixon was his only vice.
- -- C. Degen
-%
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
- (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
- sleep in the wet spot.
- (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
- themselves.
- (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
- married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
- your brother!
- (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
- (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
- wet.
- (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
- boy".
- (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
- (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
- (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
- pillow.
- (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
- (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
- left it.
-%
-Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
-male schlemiel.
- -- Ewald Nyquist
-%
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
-"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous ..."
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
- -- Earl Wilson
-%
-Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
-licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
-For those of you who have been looking for evidence that a working
-version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
-offered by Caspar Weinberger:
-
- "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
- working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
-
- -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
-%
-Fornication, n.:
- Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
-
-Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
- and you didn't scream?
-A: No ma'am.
-Q: Does that mean you consented?
-A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
-%
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
-he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
-punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
-Getting an education at the University of California is like having
-$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
-"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
- "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
-matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
-pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
-merriment.
- "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
- -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
-%
-God is an atheist.
-%
-GOD is applied POWER
- which is applied GOVERNMENT
- which is applied POLITICS
- which is applied ADVERTISING
- which is applied SOCIOLOGY
- which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
- which is applied BIOLOGY
- which is applied CHEMISTRY
- which is applied PHYSICS
- which is applied MATH
- which is applied PHILOSOPHY
- which is applied BULLSHIT
-%
-"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
-I knew that Santa would never lie.
-%
-"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
-%
-God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
-%
-God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
-%
-God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
-%
-God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
-where to go.
- "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
- "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
- "Well, how about Mercury?"
- "No, it's too hot there."
- "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
- "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
-there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
-still talking about it."
-%
-Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
-%
-Grain grows best in shit.
- -- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-Great Lover, n.:
- A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
-Haggis, n.:
- Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
-considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
-consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
-other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
-in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
-%
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
-to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
-difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
-former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
-facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
-historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
-ankles in bullshit.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
- -- R. E. Masters
-%
-"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
- Her husband said, "Vi,
- When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
-_\bH_\bA_\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
-qualified for!
- -- Michael Cain
-%
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
-damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
-hands.
-%
-"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
-ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
-stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
-him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
-He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
-this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
-Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
-processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
-longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
-
- THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
-%
-Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
-in a yak.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
-%
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
-the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
-Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
-pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
-court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
-Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
-it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
-his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
-enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
-ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
-that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
-it because the court was going to take a nap.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
-King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
-
- * Governmental offices
- * Post offices
- * Libraries
- * Schools
- * Banks
- * Parts of Palm Beach
-
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
- -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
-i.e., none to speak of.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
-gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
-lucky to escape with our skins!"
-%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
- -- John Valby
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
-I am an atheist, thank God!
-%
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
-once was ... an arctic wilderness
- -- Steve Martin
-%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
- Now I know the perfection
- Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-"I own my own body, but I share."
-%
-I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
-Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
-trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
-go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
-that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
-oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
-commerce.
- -- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
-that has ever happened, and vice versa.
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
-had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
-dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
-from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
-Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
-with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
-them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
-an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
-of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
-to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
-What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
-Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
-the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
-of an Untenured Professor?
- -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
-going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
-your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
-and father.
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
-scares the shit out of me.
- -- R. Geis
-%
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
-now.
-%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
-"I've just had a good war."
- -- Mae West
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
-watch him have another."
-%
-If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
-work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
-%
-If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
-bit surprised.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
-showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
-corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
- -- S. J. Perelman
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
-James Watt's office.
- -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
-%
-"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
-apostles."
-%
-If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
-%
-If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
-%
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
-If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
-fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
-only two went back to women.
- -- Mort Sahl
-%
-If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
-and never be our destiny.
- -- René de Visme Williamson
-%
-If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
-should join
-
- THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
-
-The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
-don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
-addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
-following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
-
- -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
- UFOs come.
- -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
- -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
- -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
- the circle.
- -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
- -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
-
-Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
-studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
-done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
-of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
-%
-If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
-in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
-%
-If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
-%
-"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
-buzz-saw."
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
- -- Robert Burton
-%
-"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
-reality at any point."
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
- In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
-without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
-they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
-and it stinks."
-
- And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
-the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
-container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
-before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
-the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
-and none may abide by its strength."
-
- And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
-Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
-it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
-the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
- And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
-it was Good!
-%
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
- He chuckled with mirth,
- For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
-Incest, n.:
- Sibling revelry.
-%
-"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
-someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
- -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
-%
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
-"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
-god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
-Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
-lies."
- -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
-%
-Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
-%
-"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
- -- Daniel Hinojosa
-%
-Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
-%
-John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
-apoplexy.
- -- Edward P. Morgan
-%
-Kasha, n.:
- Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
-one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
-groats"? *_\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
-help *___\b\b\byou* much.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Kill a commie for Christ!
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
-all will end as doves.
-%
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
-LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
-
-So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
-%
-... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
-you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
-fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
-stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
-had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
-publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
-Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
-primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
-back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
-neck.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
-%
-Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
-hard you get fucked.
-%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
-Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
-fruits and nuts is flakes.
-%
-Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
-%
-Mathematicians do it in theory.
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
-Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
-nativity scene removed:
- "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
-and a virgin in the whole organization."
-%
-Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
- ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
-Missionary Position:
- The missionary on top.
-%
-"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
-boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
-%
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
- Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
-stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
-with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
-"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
-saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
-drunk or sober."
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
- -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
-%
- My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps them to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
- On a bad trip
- When the cops come
- When I lose my head
- I simply take more of my favorite drugs
- And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-%
- NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
-short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
-No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
-she will or will not be a mother.
- -- Margaret H. Sanger
-%
-"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing is better than Sex.
-Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
-%
-Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
- Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
- As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-availability goes to zero.
-%
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
-Occident, n.:
- The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
-is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
-Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
-they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
-principal industries of the Orient.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ocean, n.:
- A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
-man -- who has no gills.
-%
-Once a young gay from Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
- They argued all night
- Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-
-There are three morals to this story:
-
-(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
-were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
-nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
-Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
-passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
-"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
-be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
-leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
-democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
-following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
-there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
-Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
-productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
-hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
-there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
-%
-"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
-there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
-Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
-and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
-cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
-each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
-Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
-crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
-resources and our taxes."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
-occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
- -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
- Life in the Universe"
-%
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
-look at the other guy's.
- -- Hal Hickman
-%
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
-the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
-help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
-basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
-but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
-near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
-with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
-still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
-to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
-probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
-considering whether there were men on base.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
-a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
-national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
-exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
- -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
- Overheard in a bar:
-Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
-%
-People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
-citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
- -- Norman Cousins
-%
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
- -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
-%
-Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
-still come out ahead.
-%
-Q: How do you play religious roulette?
-A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
- by lightning first.
-%
-Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
- backyard?
-A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
-%
-Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
- or an airline stewardess?
-A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
- "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
- right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
- mouth and nose, and breathe normally."
-%
-Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
- screwing began.
-%
-Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
-%
-Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
-A: As much as he wants.
-%
-Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
- be?
-A: A fur coat.
-%
-Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
-A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-%
-Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
-A: A rebel without a clue.
-%
-Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
-A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
-%
-Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
-A: A cheese grater.
-%
-Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
-A: Two hours of begging.
-%
-Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
-A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
-%
-Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
-A: Ugly sheep.
-%
-Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
-A: So she can moan with the other!
-%
-"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
-exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
-from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
-Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
-weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
- -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Randel, n.:
- A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
-for farting at a friend.
- -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
- Preposterous Words
-%
-Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt, either.
-%
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
-sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
-grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
-liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
-do with the other.
- -- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
-country. The remainder is thrown out.
-%
-Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
-Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
-
-Democrats eat the fish they catch.
-Republicans hang them on the wall.
-
-Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
-girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-
-Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
-Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
-That is why there are more Democrats.
- -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
-%
-Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
-any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
-%
-Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
-%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
- But a fullback from State
- Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
- Let _\bV be virginity
- Approaching infinity;
-Let _\bP be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let _\bV over _\bP be inverted
-With the square root of _\bM_\bu inserted
- _\bN times into _\bV ...
- The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
-Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
-needed.
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
-are unimportant.
- -- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
- -- G. B. Shaw
-%
-She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
-you any other way."
-%
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
- -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
- Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
-... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
-is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
-would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
-overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
-nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
-Through Swimsuits Issue.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Sooner or later, generals will own you.
-%
-Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
-Subpoena, n.:
- From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
-organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
- -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
- the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
- Association
-%
-Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
-you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
-forgets?
-%
-"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
-am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
-at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
- -- Dave Barry
-%
- The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
-just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
- So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
-others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
-from the food it produces.
-%
- The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
-claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
-his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-
- "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
-not much good in a fight."
-%
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
-cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
-... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
- -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-
-My back aches, my pussy is sore;
-I simply can't fuck any more;
- I'm covered with sweat,
- And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-%
-The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
-putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
-%
-THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
-Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
-jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
-know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
-it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
-because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
-warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
-your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
-Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
-Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
-by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
-Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
-Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
-We are talking about a lot of jobs.
- -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
- Political Fallout"
-%
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
-The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
-chance to prove it.
-%
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
-in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
-The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
-currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
-old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
-are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
-directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
-ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
-could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
-the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
-over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
-recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
-are not.
- -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
- Political Fallout"
-%
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
-dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
-and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
- The Split-Atom Blues
-
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
- Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ...
-But if you split those atoms fine,
- Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
- Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
- But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
- -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-%
-"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
-curiosity."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
-their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
-the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
-ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
-its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
-enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The United States Army:
-194 years of proud service,
-unhampered by progress.
-%
-The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
-everybody and still nobody likes him.
- -- Jim Samuels
-%
-"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
-%
-"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
- -- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
-have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
-down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-%
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
- Them Toad Suckers
-
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
- -- Mason Williams
-%
-There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
-contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
-bomb a virgin building is terrific.
- -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
-%
-There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
-have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
-America, with all of the military strength of America, those
-revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
-organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
-oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
- -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
-"There is a God, but He drinks."
- -- Blore
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used Library Paste,
-Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-%
-There once was a feisty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen
- So he built him some chicks
- Of silicon chips
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
- Concave and convex
- It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh,
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- It was not the size
- That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a "k".
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- At least so I thought
- Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me, Joe;
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch,
- And she threw the switch,
-As Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
- He fell on his cutlass,
- Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
-really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
-anything to me.
- -- John Wayne
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
- Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
- Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
- Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
-and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
- -- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
- -- David Mairowitz
-%
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
-actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
-"di-dah" for the filthy words:
-
- Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
- Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
- di-dah di-dah di-dah?
- Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
- Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
-%
-This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
-personal to various situations.
-
-You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
-egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
-Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
-bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
-
-YOU SHOULD:
-
-(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
-(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
-(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
-"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
-name."
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
-And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
-
-"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
-The looks that melt, the claws that and through
- catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
-Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
-The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
-
-He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
- sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
-So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
-And paused to smoke some pot.
- 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
- Did groove and trip out at the pad:
- All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
- And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
- Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
-how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
-you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
- All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
-their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
- "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
-room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
- "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
-"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
-opposite."
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
-or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
-noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
- -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
-%
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
-Virgin, n.:
- An ugly third grader.
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
-"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
-"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
-hand."
- -- James Watt
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first
-walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
-country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
-[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
-reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
-Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
-Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
-unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
-though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
-President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
-they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
-George talk.
- -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
- Political Fallout"
-%
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
-Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
-felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
-him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
-quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
-than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
-bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
-ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
-to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
-jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
-was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
-"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
-elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
-picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
-"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
-pissed."
-%
-What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
-%
-What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
-A Dan Quayle watch.
-%
-What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
-Ford?
-
-Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
-%
- "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
-didn't believe in God."
- "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
- -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-When God created man, She was only testing.
-%
-When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
- -- Charles Merrill Smith
-%
-"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
-can't happen."
- -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
-%
-When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
-rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-%
- When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
-would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
-thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
-patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
-"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
-so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
-%
-Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
-horses?
- -- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
-Women Unite! Make *___\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
- -- Graffito in a women's restroom
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
-problem down the hall?
-%
-"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
- -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
-%
-You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
-wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
-(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
-age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
-introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
-handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
-such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
- -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
-only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
-as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
-uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
-no-no, you:
-
-(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
- motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
- joint.
-
-(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
- to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
-
-(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
- blow your nose on your sock.
-%
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
-your girlfriend gets the munchies!
-%
-You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
- -- Frederick B. Artz
-%
-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
-pick your friend's nose.
-%
-You can't underestimate the power of fear.
- -- Tricia Nixon
-%
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
-get back inside.
- -- Heathcote Williams
-%
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
-and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
-there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
-
-(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
- name.
-
-(b) Ask what position she played.
-
-(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
-%
-You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
-proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
-proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
-into your coffee. You:
-
-(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
-
-(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
-
-(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
- basket.
-%
-"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
-to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
- -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
-%
- ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
-those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
-and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
- Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
-they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
-people go to the front of the bus."
- But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
- -- "The Begatting of a President"
projects / openbsd / commitdiff